My Top 24 of Twitter!

But why 24, you ask? I dunno, why the Cambodian genocide? Because I can, and because I’m lazy and 25 is too much work but 10 is insufficient so 24 it tis Zack you are too smart for your own good

1. @StellaRtwot-“I’m so horny. I can’t wait for my husband to get home so he can watch the kids while I go out.” I wish she was my mom

2. @trevso_electric-“Hey, one man’s garbage is another man’s girlfriend for the next two years.” He’s insanely consistently funny with everything he does and stuck with me when I only had like 12 followers. In so many words, he’s awesome.

3. @Qu4rtkn33-“I’m a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I’m fat.” I long for anything I write to be half as funny as everything she does

4. @NickadooLA-“Give a woman an inch and she’ll fake a smile.” He gives me hope for gay comedy, because he’s too hilarious for his own good.

5. @Petebeat-“Throw your shoulders back, hold your head up high, and just walk out of that hospital like the baby in your arms belongs to you.” We’re friends in real life, and he’s just as funny as he is online, which is a hard feat to accomplish. He does sadistically funny so incredibly well.

6. @SPERGERS-“The cool thing about my beauty marks is that they change where they are from day to day and they’re red and I have adult acne.” The most eccentric funny person I follow hands down, and he has mastered eccentricity. 

7. @MandySlamberg-“it’s really upsetting how attractive and married you are.” There’s no evidence to prove her and I aren’t related.

8. @WordsofaHooker-“I only drink on days that end.” He has a way with words that I’ll never understand but always be envious of.

9. @b_luca-“No officer, it’s MEDICINAL Ecstasy. I take it for my anxiety. By the way, I love your arms. Can I touch your hair? Wanna make out for a bit.” He’s hilarious and hot and Australian and we’re friends on FB so naturally I’ve been lying to people about how he’s my boyfriend you’d do it too

10. @Molly_Kats-“If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.” I read her timeline and think “GAH WISH I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT” the most.

11. @RobinMcCauley-“Not ready for the heavy commitment of having a dog? Have a baby instead!” There is nothing about her that isn’t absolutely hilarious. I wish I could put all of her tweets on here, but they’re all on Twitter so go read them and laugh accordingly.

12. @WowItsStephen-“The poem “The Road Less Traveled” was probably Robert Frost’s eloquent plea for his wife to do anal.” He’s my Twitter role model

13. @Myrontran-“I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.” I’ve read my parents his tweets and they agree that he is infinitely funnier than me, which is kind of a given MOM. Everything he writes is genius

14. @TurboGrandma-“It’s so unfair that I have to work while this homeless guy gets to talk on his pretend bluetooth all day.” I have to read her tweets alone so people don’t see me violently laughing at my phone and call the cops true story

15. @carlabare-“Single? Try pushing your sleeves up! Now pull them back down! This is solely to give you something to do.” My soulmate

16. @ecareyo-“Sometimes when I’m at a library I wait on the other side of a shelf for someone to pull a book out so I can smile at them bc you never know!” He has quickly become one of my all time favorites. And his videos are ridiculously funny too please don’t tell him I’ve watched his dating one like 7 times cool thanks

17. @laurencesmb-“1 in 2 in 3 in 4 in 5 doctors are babushka dolls.” This is one of my favorites from him, and his brand of humor is out of this world.

18. @thatRamosgirl-“Shit! I think Gaddafi was on my fantasy team.” Everything she tweets is pure brilliance.

19. @LouisPeitzman-“Groupon is the leading cause of scared Jews taking flying lessons.” He writes for Crushable.com, and I firmly believe he is the wittiest person I’ve ever known EVER

20. @AmberTozer-“If you’re the only one on the dance floor and there is no dance floor, you’re an alcoholic.” One of my favorite comedians, and her #nitTwits sketches will make you piss yourself so maybe post those to your Facebook instead of Adele music videos you’re welcome

21. @doom_dragon-“Is that lint in your pocket or am I just bad at pickup lines?” She’s hilarious and lives in Dallas like me so she’s the funniest person I know in Dallas hands down.

22. @FilthyRichmond-“Little kids suck at catching a basketball in their sleep.” Again, I wish I could post every tweet, because they are the most brilliant things I will ever read

23. @meganamram-“I think one of my dads might be gay” There’s really no topping that

24. @IamEnidColeslaw-“That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.” Okay, I’ll just say it, she’s my favorite. And I get to say I knew her when she only had like 50 followers and I’m really happy everyone recognized her amazing way with words and skyrocketed her to 16K+ followers, nobody deserves it more than her. This has truly been the year of Enid Coleslaw.